English
Jokes
A retired gentleman went to apply for Social
Security. After waiting in line for quite a long
time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind
the counter asked him for his identification to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized
he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman
that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens
his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She
says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me," as she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife
about his experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants --
you might have qualified for disability, too."
This guy went to a pet store and said he
wanted to buy the most exotic pet they had. The
owner showed him Parrots, Fish, etc, and the guy
said, 'No, I meant Exotic Exotic' 'OK' said the
saleman, follow me... So, they went into this back
room and there on the floor was the ugliest toad
he had ever seen... 'What is this' he asked. 'It
is the most exotic toad you will find' replied the
saleman. 'I'll leave the room for a minute and when
I come back, you tell me what you decide.' So, the
saleman leaves, and the toad proceeds to stick out
his tongue and give this guy the best blow-job he
has ever had. The saleman returns and the customer
says, 'I'll take it..no matter what the cost.' After
he gets the toad home, he sits him on the kitchen
table and starts digging through cook books and
pots and pans.... His wife comes in and says, 'What
are you doing and why is that God awful toad on
the table?' 'Because,' said the husband, 'Once I
teach him how to cook, you're outta here'
A high-school English teacher reminded her class
of the final exam that would be given the following
day. She told the class that there would be no
excuse for not showing up, except for serious
injury or illness, or a death in the student's
immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back
of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to
stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence
was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically
at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said,
"Not an excuse. You can write with your other
hand."
Nancy,
a city girl, married a farmer.
One morning, before the farmer went out to the field,
he said, "Honey, the artificial insemination man
is coming over this morning to impregnate one of
the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the
stall. Please show him where it is." When the man
arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until
she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the
man remarked, "Are you sure?" "Yep, it's the one
with the nail," said Nancy. "What's the nail for?"
inquired the man. "Well, I guess it's there to hang
your pants on."
How
about some nice Japanese proverbs...
-When you have completed 95 percent of your journey,
you are halfway there.
-Vision without action is a daydream. Action without
vision is a nightmare.
-If you believe everything you read, you better
not read.
-Every fish that escapes appears greater than it
is.
How
about some humor from a neurotic Jewish fella...
The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the
Statue of Liberty.
---Woody Allen
A
guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and
places two cans of dog food on the counter. The
cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes" he
replies. "Well where is the dog?" asks the cashier.
"My dog is at home" replies the man. "To be able
to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog.
That is store policy", says the cashier. So with
that the man leaves the dog food and leaves the
store. Next day the man goes back to the same
store, grabs what he needs and goes to the same
cashier. He places two cans of cat food on the
counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do", replies the man. "Well where is your
cat sir?" asks the cashier. "My cat is at home"
says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy.
I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food"
says the cashier. So with that the man leaves
the store empty handed again. The next day the
man returns to the store and walks directly to
the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in
his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put
your hand in here." So the cashier puts her hand
in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm"
she says. "Yes, that is right" says the man, "I
need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
A
couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to
take a shower. her husband is looking for a rake
and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, 'Where's
the rake?' She replies by nodding her arms like
she can't hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits
his knee (need), then makes raking motions. She
replies by; pointing to her eye , grabbing her
left breast ,slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch.
He runs up stairs and says, 'What?' She says,
'I left tit behind the bush.'
There
once was a lady who was tired of living with men
who were either physically abusive,who ran away
from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she
put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a
man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run
away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks
passed, and there was no reply from any man. So
she just figured that there wasn't a man alive
who could live up to these expectations, so she
just gave up. But then, one day she heard the
doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the
front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't
have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here
about the ad you put in the paper. As you can
see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I
have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The
woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?'
And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How
do you think I rang the doorbell?'
A
young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of
3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,'
he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because
I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner
with her parents, and then we're going out. And
I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time,
so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young
man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening,
he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing,
and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues
praying with his head down for several minutes after
everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and
says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious
person.' He leans over to her and says, 'You never
told me that your father is a pharmacist.'
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy."
I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing
to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog
license, I told the clerk I would like to have a
license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one,
too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said
he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,
"But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I
was nine years old." He said I must have been quite
a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon,
I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that
I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special
room for Sex. He said every room in the place was
for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps
me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too." One
day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked
me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But
you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have
Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife
and I separated, we went to court to fight custody
of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before
I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I
told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop
came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in
this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm
looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's
call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll
call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her
the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll
call him the Future. ow, think about that and see
if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off
to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets
up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's
room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little
boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand
the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics
is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while
Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government
is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
A
man and a woman have been married for many years
and it was about Christmas time. The wife LOVED
pets, so the man went to a pet store and asked the
manager: "My wife loves pets, so do you have anything
special for her for Christmas that I can get?" The
manager said: "Actually, I do. His name is Chet
and he is a singing parrot. He sings Christmas Carols!"
The man said: "Sure...Show me!" The manager took
a lighter and placed it underneath the right foot
of the parrot. The parrot began to sing Jingle Bells.
Then he moved the lighter to the left foot and the
parrot sang Holy Night. Now the man was enjoying
this tramendously and decided to get the parrot.
When he got home he said to his wife: "I got you
the perfect gift...so open it now!" She opened the
big present and inside the cage was a parrot. The
man said it was a talking parrot, but the wife didn't
believe him so he showed her. 1st the lighter under
the right foot then the left. The wife said: "Wow!
I wonder what would happen if you put it BETWEEN
his feet?!" So the man did just that and the parrot
began to sing: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open
flame"
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